Dancing for the Last Moment with my Lacrosse Stick
What is valuable to you in your life? I've always wondered what I would remember about my life 20 years from now. Would I remember a certain object, a special event, or anything else of that matter? We all know that everything in our life has value to us, whether it be a price value, or a memory that was priceless. What do you think you would remember 20 years from now? An object you cherish, or a memory that is priceless?We are the last act in the talent show to perform. All three of us have worked incredibly hard to make our routine the best it can be. The stage floor is cold against my body and my heart beat becomes faster and faster as show time approaches. I have to remember not to smile at all during my dance and that is going to be the hardest part. Suddenly, the strobe light turns on, the smoke machine fills the auditorium with an eerie fog and my stomach is almost in my throat. Not a second later, our song, Thriller by Michael Jackson, blares through the speakers and everyone in the audience is silent.
"Just stay focused, don't look into the crowd, don't smile," I think to myself over and over again. I dance across the stage as if I truly am awakening from the dead. I purposely stumble down the stairs and into the audience. Creeping and staring into everyone's faces, they look just as nervous as I am. We dance onto the stage and I lay back down on the hard cold stage floor as the final music beat fades. As I am trying to catch my breath, my heart continues to beat extremely fast. Everyone in the audience stands up and begins clapping. Cheers from the audience fill my ears and I can't help but smile, knowing that we have out-performed ourselves. Slowly the curtains begin to close and I see less and less of the audience. Once the curtains close all the way, the three of us can stand up. We all embrace each other, excited and proud of our performance, knowing we captivated and entertained our audience.
As we walk down the hallways, everyone congratulates us and tells us that we did a fantastic job. I have so much make-up on that my teachers don't even recognize me. Although there are no prizes or trophies awarded, I will remember that moment forever. My memory is my trophy!
"One! Two! Three! Western Mass!!" Our lacrosse team chants as we are huddled together before the start of the championship game. Our sticks raised high in the air as we cheer ourselves on. I can see mine, yellow and black like a bumblebee, sticking out from the rest of the group of lacrosse sticks. Then I take a deep breath, grab my orange goggles and black mouth guard and jog onto the field knowing the other team doesn't have a chance against us.
Tweet, the whistle blows and the game has begun. I hold my lacrosse stick with my hands as the hot sun beats down on my yellow and black Harrow shaft, making it warm on my palms. Its octagonal design creates a perfect grip for my hands. Suddenly, the yellow lacrosse ball soars through the air and I catch it, cushioning the force of the ball in the yellow head of my lacrosse stick. The ball rolls swiftly down the black nylon center strips, also known as the speed-rail, and into the pocket of my head. I cradle the ball back and forth keeping it in the pocket as I see the yellow and black swirls spinning in my peripheral vision. My teammate is finally open for a pass. My right hand slides down the smooth shaft and stops just at the bottom of the indent in the shaft. I pull my left hand holding the bottom of my stick towards me and simultaneously push my right hand forward, releasing the ball in a straight pass right to my teammate's stick.
We all run down the field as a team, passing to each other the whole way. On the third pass, my teammate whips the ball into the upper right corner of the orange lacrosse net, scoring a goal! It turns out that that one goal was the winning goal in the championship, and our Western Mass lacrosse team is the tournament champions!
Both my memory of the sixth grade talent show and my lacrosse stick have value to me, for different, as well as similar reasons. My dance performance to Thriller with my two friends was definitely nerve racking, but also extremely exciting. The feeling of my stomach in my throat and my heart beating five miles an hour, is one I will never forget. The fact of being up there on stage performing in front of all those people and being with my friends, was an unforgettable moment that will stay with me forever. Dancing allows me to express my creative and artistic talents and this experience was the cherry on top. I wouldn't replace it for anything!
My lacrosse stick allows me to play my all-time favorite game; lacrosse. My stick has been through rain and shine. I have had many memorable games with it, and definitely more to come. My lacrosse stick, every piece included, is worth about $205 and is most likely one of my highest priced possessions. However its value to me is its sentimental worth, not its price. Although it is replaceable, I worry about the condition of my stick, how it will affect my playing, and whether the shaft has been dented or the strings have been ripped. My lacrosse stick makes up the game and without it I would be lost. Having this object allows me to express my athletic and competitive personality through the game of lacrosse.
Both the sixth grade talent show and my lacrosse stick have brought me memories that I will never forget. Whether it is a specific part in the dance or a specific game that I cherish, they both have value to me. Along with the memory of each one, both my dance to Thriller and my lacrosse stick allow me to do something that is enjoyable to me. Whether it be dancing or playing my favorite sport, I can enjoy myself either way, and express myself and my personality. They both make up who I am and that is especially important.
For me, something valuable is anything that you cherish in your life. It can be anything from a priceless moment, to an object that brings you joy. Although there are many things in my life that have great value to me, my talent show in sixth grade and my lacrosse stick are two of my most valued items. I know what's valuable to me, but do you?
5 comments:
Allie is saying how she values her sixth grade talent show dance routine and her lacrosse stick. It seems that she values both her lacrosse stick and her routine equally.
I think that the most vividly described part to me was, "Its octagonal design creates a perfect grip for my hands." This stood out to me because, I also play lacrosse and I never really noticed that it was octagonal. I think that that was really good that she was really specific and even got down to the shape of the lacrosse shaft.
I definitely think that the description was the strong point in this essay. The quote that I put above I think best describes it because she used a lot of detail to show the shape of the shaft. Most people would have just put the color but to get really specific and say the shape i think that was superb!
I would just suggest that you should talk a little about how the lacrosse stick is has a price value because it almost seems like you are writing about another moment. It did look like you were adding something though because I saw part of a sentence starting =)
I think that you should just re read the lacrosse part because I think some of the adjectives are overpowering. Great job Allie!!! =)
I think the author is saying that she values her experience in the talent show and her lacrosse stick equally. Allie say s that she will never forget her experience in the talent show. She also loves her lacrosse stick. it is visible when she talks about its appearance.
I found that her lacrosse stick was better described. She gave a lot if good descriptions about it. She talked about the shape and feeling. it waqs good.
I think the main strength was her descriptiveness. i thought she did a real good job during the part about her stick. Also the dance part was goodly described too.
I would tell her to revise the last paragraph. It was still very good but not as good as the rest of the essay. Also her lacrosse stick seemed priceless. So she should talk about how it has priced value.
In Allies essay she compares a great priceless moment to a priced object very well. She shows through her writing how much she really cares about them. I also think that she values them equally, because one did not stick out to me of which she valued more. Even though she values them for different reasons, you can tell she cares a lot about them.
I part in this essay that I thought was very well described was, “the yellow lacrosse ball soars through the air and I catch it, cushioning the force of the ball in my yellow head.” This is well written because even though I don’t watch or play lacrosse, I can picture this perfectly. The author used very good description to illustrate the image in peoples head.
I think that the strength to allies essay was her description. She described her lacrosse stick, and the look on peoples faces when she was dancing very good. When she describes it , its almost like your there watching. She also had very good organization of all of the paragraphs in her story.
One piece of advice I might give would be to maybe go into a little more detail about her dance. Allie did a great job of tell the audience everything before and after the dance, but not during it. A suggestion would be to maybe tell a cool move they did during the dance, and how the audience reacted. Overall awesome job Allie!
I really liked the way you wrote the begining, it was a catchy. It really was a attenition grabber. It started out the essay great. I made the reader wonder what this had to do in the story, so the had to read on.
I think that the most descriptive part was when you were describing the lacrosses game. The vocab ussage was great. "hold my lacrosse stick with my hands the hot sun beating down on my yellow and black harrow shaft, making it warm on my palms." This sentence was vey well described.
Overall, i think the essays overall strength is the great desriptive vocab. You had many examples of this though-out the essay. I was very refreshing for someone to have this in their essay. A very good job.
Really I don't have any advise. But if you want to change it, make it longer. Making and essay longer is alwasy an easy way to inprove an essay. I liked reading your essay, and good job.
I. The introductory paragraph is very unique from the ones I have read so far. Instead of asking rhetorical questions about value, she questions me about how valuable and important things are to me, and it caught my attention. That was something I really enjoyed.
II. Perhaps it is just because I can relate to it a lot better, but I think she described her moment better than her object, although she described her lacrosse stick very well. I know that amazing, nerve-wracking feeling of being on stage, or knowing you are about to be on stage, and it is absolutely unforgettable. It is quite literally terrifying, but at the same time the most exciting feeling in the world, and that is no joke.
III. Overall, she did a good job of being very thorough in her essay. She explained both the moment and the item in great detail so that I could picture each occurring or being used. I personally witnessed the Thriller performance she talks about three years ago, and it really was as thrilling to me as she says it was to her.
IV. There were a few minor typos in the essay, a small matter that I mostly overlooked. One improvement I could suggest is that you second-to-last paragraph is unfinished. Perhaps it was merely cut off when you put it on the blog, but the paragraph needs to be completed. Other than that, very well done!
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